Being a parent is HARD WORK; and being a mom is especially taxing, but I might be biased. ;) There’s no “how to” manual on being a mom and keeping small children alive, though there’s plenty of books and blogs that will tell you otherwise. I learned very fast that there was no “one size fits all” for parenthood. And the more kids I had, the more that really sank in because each and every child requires such a different style of being parented. So each parent can’t have just one way of parenting. It’s just the craziest life, being a mom. It’s what I love more than anything and what I’ve always wanted to be. But just as none of those books and blogs could have prepared me for motherhood, there really is no one talking about mothering through a mental illness. Anyone in my personal life knows that I have stopped being quiet about my illness. I spent my whole life feeling broken and crazy. I was misdiagnosed, mistreated, heavily medicated; I was so lost, embarrassed, and had no idea who I was. I still struggle with figuring that part out. (But don’t we all?) So what is it like trying to raise children all while healing yourself? What is it like when your complex trauma controls another day of your life? What do you do when your children trigger a panic attack? What happens when they make a giant mess when you are trying to keep order? Or the other billion times they’ve gotten water alllllllllllll over the kitchen/bathroom/hallway/carpet? How do you manage to get out of bed when your mind is entirely shut down after another night of battling the demons? How do you explain to your children that mommy is having another hard day and they need to please be quieter because their SWEET INNOCENT LAUGHTER sounds like nails on a chalkboard? How do you tell them that you’re not going out any time this week because your anxiety and fear prevents you from socializing or grocery shopping?
PTSD is a never ending battle with yourself. And throw parenting into the mix, and it is just shattering. It hurts SO MUCH to feel like my illness is in the way of my childrens’ happiness. It gets in the way of creating memories, having new experiences, making friends, playing at parks; it is just always there. And thinking about it all at once is just too much. It is really easy to feel like a total failure. I don’t want to raise broken children. I don’t want my children to need intensive trauma therapy, or even ANY therapy, as an adult because of me. I know the chances of that happening are probably pretty high, but my heck I am trying my absolute hardest. So what do I do? Well, I take each day minute by minute. I breathe deeply a lot. We listen to lots of music and watch lots of Disney Channel. My kids love to color pictures for me, especially my oldest, to brighten me up. I check out emotionally a lot…But then I think of all the happy memories I’ve made with my children. I think about how much they rely on me for safety and feeling protected (and I will tell you, that I am the most bear of momma bears!). I think about how happy, loving, and caring they are towards other people. I go to weekly therapy sessions. I think about how far I’ve come… When I started EMDR therapy (more on that later) over a year ago, I was angry. I would just lose it when I started to feel anxious. I was turning into the person that hurt me so much as a child and I absolutely LOATHED that. But, I am no longer that person. And I am so proud of that. Mothering through a mental illness is probably one of the greatest challenges I’ll ever face. Through treatment, I’ve found my voice, unearthed some nasty memories, processed them, and revealed more; I have lost and gained so much. Relationships have been challenged, ties have been severed, tears have (finally) been shed, lessons have been learned, friends have been made, lives have been saved, and I think I’m getting to a point where I can really say there is another side. I can see it, I just can’t quite touch it yet. My diagnosis will always be a part of me. I will always have panic attacks, OCD tendencies, depression (especially seasonal), triggers, night terrors, and flashbacks. I imagine I will often struggle with my self-esteem. But I WILL NOT let my diagnosis define my children. I’m so thankful for them and their sweet spirits. I know they are my children for a reason. They each have helped heal me in different ways, and continue to do so. So while we may not go to mommy socials or take constant trips to the zoo or even the park, we love. And I can’t tell you how much love and the little arms around my neck keep me going every minute. As for the EMDR stuff: “Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an integrative psychotherapy approach that has been extensively researched and proven effective for the treatment of trauma. EMDR is a set of standardized protocols that incorporates elements from many different treatment approaches. To date, EMDR therapy has helped millions of people of all ages relieve many types of psychological stress.” Read more here: http://www.emdria.org/?page=2 Find a therapist here: http://www.emdria.org/search/custom.asp?id=2337
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