For people with mental illnesses, the holidays can be a very difficult time. They can just be hard for people in general. They bring up memories, good and bad, and the amount of stress can be damaging.
When I became a mom, I vowed that Christmas would be the greatest of times. Every year, we've baked cookies, put up lights and decorations, I have participated in church caroling activities, we've done Secret Santa for families in need; I've just really grown to love this season. In fact, I became increasingly frustrated with people who weren't filled with holiday cheer. I referred to them as Grinches. And then this year happened. I found myself not wanting to decorate my home with my kids. I got the big fake tree out of the box and it sat for nearly two weeks before I finally got out the ornaments. Our home has no colorful lights, no cookies have been baked, and my husband will tell you about all my complaining each night when I have to move that stupid elf again. (Which, by the way, is really difficult with a young toddler that lacks understanding.) I just haven't been able to find that Christmas Spirit. I have become a total Grinch! But I have gained something I never imagined. Empathy. I've realized that people aren't being 'Grinches', they're hurting. Whether they are engulfed in the grief of a holiday without someone they love, they have been hurt around the holidays before, they've once loved but then been burned and have to spend these days alone, they have a toxic family, they're the outcast of their family, they don't even HAVE a family, they're struggling with depression, they're struggling with another mental illness, they're struggling with physical illness, they don't have enough money to provide the ever increasing demands of Christmas, maybe they lost their job, or everything keeps going wrong. There are so many reasons to struggle around the holidays. I understand this now more than ever. So how can you help a Grinch? Well, I think patience is a really great start. Not taking their negativity personal, not excluding them because you feel like they won't care, asking them how they're doing, giving them chocolate because..chocolate, and sharing your Christmas Spirit with them. Often, the rudest Grinches are the ones who need an act of service or some sort of love the most. Love is, after all, the true meaning of Christmas. So to all the Grinches out there, I hear you. I see you. I understand you. Your feelings DO matter. Do what is best for YOU! To everyone else, Merry Christmas! Now, let's hope 2017 is a little kinder to us all.
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Being a young mom, with an even younger appearance, I've had plenty of...fun..experiences with judgemental remarks just about everywhere I've been. It's not something you get used to, no matter how often it happens. I would be lying if I said it didn't take me off guard each time someone comments on my age and having children. So I'm here to provide you with a little list of do's and do not's. AKA: COMMON SENSE. 1. Don't Assume I remember one particular event. I was walking into Costco with my six year old step son, two year old daughter, and infant son. A nice man walked up to me and remarked on how kind it was of me to take my siblings out of the house and run errands with them for my mom. ...Say what? I don't know if it was the lack of sleep from having a baby that NEVER. SLEPT. or just being startled by some strange man talking to me in public when I was vulnerable and without protection; but the look on his face when I told him I pushed these two little children out of my VAGINA was pretty great. Don't think he will ever make such a comment again. Now, I know he was trying to be...nice? But these are MY babies. I don't care if you think this person is twelve years old and has seven children in tow; DO NOT ASSUME SHE'S THE NANNY. Or older sister. Or babysitter. Or whatever the heck else runs through your head. If you aren't able to make a safe call, DON'T SAY ANYTHING. Or maybe say something like "cute kids!" If she beams like you're handing her $10,000 it is probably safe to say she's the mom. 2. Don't Pry Society accepts the fact that you just don't say certain things to people. You don't ever ask a woman if she's pregnant, you don't ask someone how much they weigh, and you never ask someone how old they are. SO APPARENTLY THESE THINGS DON'T APPLY TO YOUNG MOTHERS. I can almost guarantee this conversation every time I take my kids somewhere: "Cute kids" "Thanks" "Are they yours?" "Yep!" "...All of them..??" "...Yes..." "How old are you? You don't look old enough to have ANY kids, but THREE?!" "Well obviously I am old enough to have three kids." "But how old are you? Are you having any more? Are you trying for another?" *INSERT THE MOST AWKWARD SILENCE EVER* I either straight up lie and tell them I'm almost thirty and internally cackle at their sudden dumbfounded facial expressions, or I tell them I'm in my twenties and I watch as they sit there in a struggle trying to guess, or I tell them the truth and watch all the assumptions scroll across their eye balls. Sometimes I really run with it. IT GETS EVEN BETTER WHEN I TELL THEM MY HUSBAND IS TEN YEARS OLDER THAN I AM. Some people are really rude and apparently can't take another breath without knowing my age. Do yourself (and me, and my children, and other moms, and their children) a favor: DON'T ASK PRYING QUESTIONS. 3. If You Ask Dumb Questions, DO Expect Answers for a Dummy Go ahead, ask me if we are trying for another baby. Because I'll just embarass you by telling you to stop asking about my sex life. (In case you missed the bird's and the bee's talk, sex makes babies.) Are they all mine? NAH. The Amber Alert should be going live soon. Do me a solid and don't write down my license plate number. Oh but I must be one of those food stamp suckers, then. Psh. Don't have kids if you can't afford them, right? Oh please. While I am very blessed to have a successful spouse so our family doesn't have to rely on government assistance, last time I checked the assistance was there for a REASON. And nobody has ANY RIGHT to judge someone based on their financial class. HUMILITY, MY FRIENDS. IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING. How many different dad's do they all have? Five. I have three biological children and they have five different dads. Good luck figuring THAT one out. Do you know what birth control is? Why yes, yes I do. Do you know what respect is? Too bad there's not an implant for that! Don't you wish you would have waited to have kids? Ya know, enjoy life more first? Because my kids are a horrible death sentence who bring me no joy. NEXT TIME YOU WISH TO MAKE A REMARK ABOUT CHILDREN SUCKING THE JOY OUT OF LIFE, YOU BETTER NOT DO IT AROUND SAID CHILDREN. Besides, last time I checked, my kids ARE my pride and joy! They make me crazy, but they're still the root of my happiness! So next time you see a young mother in public with her kids, don't be a jerk. Don't assume she can't be their mother; she may be having a horrible day and struggling with her role AS their mom so why don't you comment on how well behaved they are? Or how cute they are? Or just shush? Why not refrain from asking her pointless, rude, none of your business questions? Her life is not your business so if you would like to spark casual conversation, do so with her sanity and childrens' presence in mind. |
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